Guestbook
I cordially invite all those who wish to comment to do so in this forum. I will visit and respond as time permits. Creative and/or amusing posts get special attention. Insults still cost money, though, so don’t bother trying to goad me.
257 Responses to “Guestbook”
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October 31st, 2006 at 4:50 pm
Nice website you camel humping, goat sucking, syphallytic cum guzzler! Your web guy must be one hell of a creative fuck. Now take your balls out of his mouth and spank him on his pimpled ass for a job well done!
November 20th, 2006 at 8:32 am
I heard about your show and thought it was a good idea, but when my friends and I stumbled upon it — it really mady our day. I even bought your cd and got a picture with you. I’m such a groupie. :) Very entertaining, mister.
November 27th, 2006 at 9:24 pm
Had a blast at TRF. Thank you very much for allowing me the honor of being the finale for TRF. I have never been so apalled and humbled at the same time. You are always amazing.
December 5th, 2006 at 5:12 pm
You’re just about the funniest fucker I’ve ever seen. I was convinced the Ren Fest was a waste of my time, till I stepped into the Painted Badger Pub. You saved the day.
December 6th, 2006 at 10:30 am
Dave Epley; Great effort, but you may want to check the spelling of ’syphilitic.’
Mary Ellen; You sound like a sweet girl. You should really stay away from seedy places like the Sea Devil Tavern. I hear Dave Epley hangs out there. With his misspelled syphilis.
Kristen and Russ; You guys are swingers, aren’t you?
Doug; Thanks. And thanks for remembering it was the Painted Badger. Nothing shaven. And nothing that builds dams.
December 6th, 2006 at 5:00 pm
I don’t have to spell it! I LIVED it!
And yt was wonderful. Thank-you again, and again, and again…
December 6th, 2006 at 9:39 pm
“Yt,” Dave? That’s the most error in the fewest letters since Chevrolet marketed the “Nova” in mexico. You know, the ‘i’ isn’t even next to the ‘y’ on the keyboard. On mine, anyway. How did that happen? Did you injure your fingers trying to steal from the snack machine again? I would have said ‘from the snack machine at work,’ but nobody with a job comes to a site like this as often as you do. Please take up a hobby. Like arson. Or making mudpies. Or unsafe sex, if you can manage it. Of course, God help you if you have to spell ‘gonorrhea.’
December 14th, 2006 at 5:40 pm
It’s a couple of your renn. faire groupies here! You know they one’s from ohio that follow you to Wisc.! Just wanted to know that we found your site and it’s awesome! Can’t wait to catch you next summer. Hope all is well with you until then.
December 15th, 2006 at 12:22 pm
Heather and Rob,
I’m glad you followed me to Wisconsin. The Bristol Renaissance Festival, just north of the border with Illinois and about an hour’s drive from Chicago, is one of my favorite shows. It has outstanding stage acts, enthusiastic lane performers, top-shelf historical weaponry for sale, and some of the most elaborae and mind-blowing court costumes in the country. What’s more, they understand that renaissance festivals are most successful when they provide entertainment for both the family crowd and the dirty bastard crowd, provided they segregate the acts appropriately (Cosimo the Fistie-Clown, for example, wouldn’t be allowed in the children’s kingdom. Again.)
The Ohio Renaissance Festival, on the other hand, pursued a corporate sponsorship from a major grocery chain that made them sensitive to words like “cocksucker.” Or “darn.” Even in the tavern. Quite lame, really, but I wish them well. You can still see some truly fine entertainment there (notably the Swordsmen and The Mudde Show), so it’s worth a visit, especially in October when the treeline goes red and golden. Bring the kiddies. And pack a lunch. The food at ORF sucks donkey balls.
December 17th, 2006 at 12:51 pm
At last! The internet would not be replete without a webpage dedicated to the ultimate bastard of our time. Nice conceptualization! I guess licking all those smegma-ridden goat balls was worth it.
My brother and I thoroughly enjoyed your appearance again this year at TRF. Alhtough it seems like Bristol is where the real nastiness can be found. Perhaps I can scrounge up enough time to see you there. If not, then I hope to see you at TRF next year. Enjoy your holidays.
December 18th, 2006 at 5:47 pm
Well, Elia, I don’t know if we can actually say that any festival gets more extreme than the Texas show. Where else can you watch a guy dressed like a stormtrooper frenching a semi-conscious fat chick while goths and visigoths look on in horror and fireworks boom overhead? And these are the spectators. Texas is big fun, too. But by all means, see both if you’ve got the resources and time.
January 9th, 2007 at 3:40 am
Well Allo you littel piss infected Cum bubble. and yes I amit I cannot spell worth a damn. but anyway. Good to see the king of all bastards has his site now. where I can look apon your Ulgy face when I feel the need to. Wow..im being a real bitch tonight..
Lots of love you littel fuck nut:
The Chick from Scarby with the combat boots and the Fadeing Red dye job.
January 11th, 2007 at 9:52 pm
Kids, if you need further proof that you just shouldn’t be awake at 3:40 am, please read Kit’s entry. Nothing good happens at that hour. I picture this dainty Texas flower swaying over her keyboard, drunk from abusing nail polish remover, with her pet rat crawling on her head while she types with the corner of an EPT box.
January 12th, 2007 at 1:02 am
Exactly..but no its not a rat. its three or four cats and maybe a dog or two. Allso I was born in ireland, Not texas so im hardly a “dainty Texas flower” But other then that i guess your righ. its what i get for haveing Scarby as my only job. I would bother iris and rose but i dont know there site, so your suck with me
Love~
Kit Detwhiler
January 12th, 2007 at 9:33 am
Where do I begin?
It really crushes me every time I am reminded what the British did to Irish culture.
Freud would enjoy your last sentence.
I’m not going to put you in touch with Iris and Rose because they’re my friends.
I apologize to the state of Texas for my assumption about your provenance.
And I wonder if anyone in the Dallas-Ft.Worth area would be willing to help Kit count her pets.
January 12th, 2007 at 8:59 pm
Hmmm, Well now i dont know where to start with that one. Other then the fact that I dont need help counting my pets. other then that i wont defend myself. so im just going to say in a simple fact that I have no life. and i wonder now what good it dose me to insult myself.
January 13th, 2007 at 12:46 pm
It makes no sense for you to insult yourself when you’ve got a perfectly qualified professional standing by. Now go be nice to yourself. Your menagerie needs you. I’ll see you in Scarborough.
January 14th, 2007 at 2:29 am
Hmm,Am I going insane or was that you being nice?
hmmm yes I’m most likely nuts. well needless to say I’ll stop takeing up space in your guest book
you At Scarby you littel Fucker
January 15th, 2007 at 5:38 pm
‘ello there Christophe! I absolutely adore your vulgar comedic nature. I saw your show at TRF in the King’s Feast Hall. You know, the one with the drunken blonde finale who gave us all front row tickets to her rose garden show before the fork chair broke and the police asked her to leave. I have to say that I was mildly disappointed that you didn’t go all out on that one. But then again everyone did in fact leave that show feeling insulted in some fashion. Well, keep that naughty mouth of yours working cause we love it!
January 21st, 2007 at 9:21 pm
i can’t help but notice that Bristol isn’t yet listed on your “shows” link… is that because it is still too far in the future, or did the last shouts of “God save the Queen…” and “fuck Texas… and Chuck” not go over so well at the last show??? Regardless… that last show was one for the books…
January 25th, 2007 at 2:43 pm
I’ll never forget the first time I saw you, I thought, “What the hell is that rennie bastard starring at? Looks like he’s been around the block a few too many times.”
Then you came up to me and asked, “Would you do me a favor…”
…you had me at “Do me”
January 26th, 2007 at 11:00 am
Robyn; That was the kind of show that really puts the ‘adult’ in ‘adults only.’ It was like looking into the entrance of a car wash.
Steve; I typically schedule the Fall and Winter shows in February, so stay tuned.
Random Groupie; If this is the opening salvo in yet another paternity suit, just leave the kid onstage with feeding instructions and a favorite blanket and I’ll take care of everything.
February 8th, 2007 at 4:08 pm
WE LOVE YOU!!!!!!
A friend of mine paid you $80 to insult me at the Louisiana Ren-Fair. It was worth every penny!!!!!! Keep up the good insults!
Kathy
February 18th, 2007 at 10:11 pm
*~*Muahahahahahahahahahahaha*~*
February 19th, 2007 at 12:23 am
In my inane stupidity I moved to North Carolina, and now I am wondering where the hell to find a professional insultor around here. Do you come to any of the festivals around here, or is the bible belt too prude for your exquisite word wrangling skills? I threw a glance at the FlaRF site, but only saw you scheduled for 1.30PM, which means hordes of soccer moms and their entire menagerie of baby carts and husbands wanting to be insulted in an orderly fashion. Please help the dumb people, where should I go to catch you at an undecent hour and in a proper state of inebriation?
February 24th, 2007 at 5:45 am
Kathy; Thank you for your kind words about my unkind words. And please seek help; the use of more than four exclamation marks is a clear sign of methamphetamine use.
Mary; That’s a very sinister laugh for the Mother of God.
Torgny; In addition to the 1:30 show at the Florida Renaissance festival, I have two feast hall shows. I don’t perform at the Carolina Renaissance festival because it conflicts with the Texas Renaissance festival, but it’s a good show. And you’re right about the region; they love them some Jesus down there. So much so that Jesus took out a restraining order.
February 25th, 2007 at 1:55 pm
Thank you for nearly ripping my shitty brother John to shreds and insulting the shit out of my boobs. I’ve enjoyed your performance at the Renaissance festival. Oh, and also thank you for insulting the fuck out of my clitoris challenged friend, Sean. It was oodles of fun, and let’s not forget Pervert Uncle Dave and his extravagant adventure of fucking a German boy, a German girl, Germany, the priest he confessed to, a second priest, a third priest, a forth priest, the first priest because he didn’t recognize his voice, the confession booth…. I could go on. $135 insult. I wish I had some sort of recording device so I could play the entire show at my funeral. Thank you for a splendid show, you spineless ninny who still eats eggs his mother cooks every Sunday morning for breakfast right after fucking her brains out, your father’s brains out, and fucking the dog’s internal organs out of it’s mouth.
Peace and love. Thanks again.
February 25th, 2007 at 3:13 pm
Very cool show buddy, just saw you today at FL Ren-Fest. you were too funny, please come back next year, look forward to seing you again,
February 26th, 2007 at 10:58 am
Heeeyy!!!
It’s the little blonde chick with dreads thats at all of your shows during FlaRF!!
You are fucking amazing and an awesome person indeed! I really enjoy your shows =)
Your assistant is fucking HOT!!!!!!
See you this weekend at faire!!
February 26th, 2007 at 5:59 pm
Dear Christophe,
In spanish your are loco. You insult whore. You must make a shitload of money. But you are a fucking funny ass mother fucker. Who knew someone who was cornwholed so much could be so funny. Good job at the florida rennaisance festival. Peace nigga.
February 28th, 2007 at 9:06 am
Amanda; Please refer to Cody’s comment. He very graciously fluffed my pillows without feeling the need to paste me with invective at the end. And when using invective, be funnier than you are nasty. Like Zach the Mexican. Although I think the extra ‘w’ in his version of ‘cornholed’ confuses the issue. Being cornholed is having an alien object introduced to one’s posterior. Being cornwholed is, I believe, becoming one with corn. Also, when we observe hip-hop culture, we learn that no matter how violent or insulting our comments, everything gets fixed when we say ‘peace’ at the end of it. And I’m proud to be your nigga.
February 28th, 2007 at 12:16 pm
I would just like to say I had a lovely time being insulted for over 30 minutes the other day. It definitely was an unforgetable moment!
Tiny Dancer says thank you as well!
Hope you are enjoying that $420 that i helped you earn!
Keep up the good work! You are incredible! I haven’t laughed that much in a long time!
March 2nd, 2007 at 9:12 am
I remember you, pretty Shell, all the way down from Virginia with your yellow shirt and your converse sneakers, your tousled hair and your big, bright eyes. And Tiny Dancer. How intricate his tattoos were, on such a small but proportionate man. As though the tattooist used a jeweler’s lens. As though God wanted to make something like a man, but smaller and more precious.
March 2nd, 2007 at 10:00 pm
GOD DAMNIT!!! Your head looks like an elephant penis and your facial hair resembles my gooch hair!!
good job at the renaissance fair.
March 3rd, 2007 at 10:55 am
Why, thank you, Mike. My head actually IS an elephant penis, and I do glue the hair from your “gooch” onto my face. I find it slimming. And thank you for telling me that you were an American; from your good manners and large vocabulary, I took you for a correspondent from the BBC.
March 3rd, 2007 at 10:26 pm
Hey Christophe is your new hair-do a fashion statement, or was it just your lifes goal to look like the tip of a malformed flacid penis.
March 5th, 2007 at 8:33 pm
Christophe, I saw you this past Saturday at the Florida Ren Fest. Boy was I surprised when I realized that I payed for my own insult.
Great show, I enjoyed it thoroughly this time around, as I did two years ago the last time I saw you.
Take care,
-Alex
March 6th, 2007 at 7:28 pm
ya it’s me the stupid one who payed to have hisself insulted.
March 8th, 2007 at 7:38 am
Alex; Thank you. I want to compliment you on your timing, as well, having Rob as a neighbor in this log. You might be a man of average intelligence, but next to Robert you read like Shakespeare. It’s like going to the bar with an ugly friend. You shine, my crazy diamond.
Rob; Use question marks. Use apostrophes. Flaccid has two ‘c’s. The last guy called me a penis, and I thought HE was a moron. But then you showed up and did it even less creatively, which is nothing short of miraculous.
Gentle Reader; I wish to apologize for the caliber of guest making use of this log. This was supposed to be a thing of beauty.
March 8th, 2007 at 5:26 pm
My much older Brother-in-law and sister took me to see your show at the Bristol Faire this past summer. I have to say that I never thought it was possible to laugh your balls off. Thanks for giving me better insults than Fucker and Bastard.
March 8th, 2007 at 8:02 pm
I like that picture of you at the top of the page. It reminds me of the night we meet, you drunk, half flaccid, confused. Me strong, horney, looking for a young attractive man to abuse. Short that, I ended up dragging you behind the dumpster of that local tavern. Your weeping only aroused me as I repeatedly ass-ulted that witch you prior had only one function now had three and a half. I think we both changed a little that night. I, having never felt remorse before and seeing your face in the gentle glow of a street lamp, suddenly found myself feeling pity that the rape I committed was apparently the least of your problems. Seeing my face in the same glow reminded you of that uncle - your love he didn’t return. Upon surfacing of this distant repressed memory you just hobbled back to perch, more aquardly than previous, on your bar stool and resumed to drown another memory of a love lost.
March 8th, 2007 at 8:54 pm
Sorry, I ment to put this on my previous post. My friends and I have an insult which we need a professional opinion on. “You chronically mastrubating, man-purse carrying, degenerate cockweasle son-of-a-three legged cat humping poodle!” Mind you this is for high scholl and is therefore semi-clean!
March 10th, 2007 at 5:40 pm
Keep up the insults. That is all i have to say.
March 11th, 2007 at 7:53 pm
By the way, I’m just guessing. But… is your monkey name “Fellatio”?
P.S. Can’t wait to hear you again next year
March 11th, 2007 at 11:30 pm
Hey, guy from the RenFest 2007 here. I saw you in ‘06 as well. I was in the black hat with the red feather. I really enjoy your shows, they’re the only times I really enjoy myself.
Through your selfless acts of besmirching the names and likenesses of others and wringing them dry of any signs of dignity or respect they or the audience had for their poor soul is something that brings me the most profound and deeply-felt joy. You keep doing what you’re doing and try not to papercut your fingers on all those loose bills.
PS. Be sure to gaze in the creepiest manner possible at your assistant on my behalf. She was a cute one.
March 12th, 2007 at 4:34 am
Christophe, you are one sick puppy, but your act is one of the elite very best at the Florida Renaissance Festival. What would you say happens to the brain of an audience member (like myself) after long term, repeated exposure to your act- say, several weekends’ worth of multiple daily show viewings?? I’m afraid I am no longer remotely close to normal (but there is doubt, anyway, that I ever really was…)
March 12th, 2007 at 4:41 am
you are the best!!! your insults are top-notch! I cant wait to see you again next year!
we should totally hit up. ;]
March 12th, 2007 at 4:56 am
by the way, good job at insulting Robert (Mr. Monkey) yesterday… HUZZAH!
i’d gladly be your monkey ;}
March 12th, 2007 at 7:58 am
You were absolutely right…not too many bright ones…although your replies are exceptionally entertaining! Hey, at least I can spell! Sorry we missed you yesterday, but Stacey had a little “accident”. Waaaaaaay too much booze ;). Hope to see you very soon! Kisses…
Sabrina
March 12th, 2007 at 9:13 am
have you ever wondered why the won’t let you into the zoo? it’s because of the 900 times that they caught you sucking off the elephants. You have enpough DNA on the the floor of your hole (I say hole as n one would ever want to look at you disgusting face long enough to sign a house title, or even hotel room rental agreement)to create 450852740345 small illegitimate children, and a few poodles and various other small breed dogs, and possibly a cat or two plus those pigs. You are so fucking ugly that as soon as your mother who, by the way, serves more people per day then McDonald’s, Burger king, and KFC worldwide everyday, saw you she immediately went blind and placed you up for adoption as a precautionary measure as she didn’t want the dod to kill you, as she’s to fat and old to clean up the mess it would make. you were then adopted out of pity 785 times but were returned as the people who adopted you cxouldn’t bare to look at you any more, and the longest time that any certain family kept you was 20 minutes.
Have a good rest of your day, you dumb beastialic, piece of homosexual shit.
P.S. i saw your mother on Television the other night, she was up for the world record of most possible baby-daddies, asfter beating out Shakilara for East L.A. by 873.
March 12th, 2007 at 10:35 am
Hey, I saw you at the renaissance festival yesterday and I have two words for you: FUCKIN’ AWSOME!!! Way’da nail that Jim guy
March 12th, 2007 at 5:02 pm
Christophe, your show was an absolute blast. I was pretty skeptical when my sister told me about you, and I was convinced you’d rehash the same material, but man was I in for a big surprise! My sister said you were even funnier yesterday, and boy am I glad Eric didn’t lift his kilt to expose what little manhood he had left after you annihilated him with “When I tea bagged your mother” Christophe you are the fucking funniest guy I have ever met, rock on motherfucker!
March 17th, 2007 at 7:33 pm
Great 5 PM show at the Tampa Bay area festival tonight! Was hoping that the drunken idiot would get his fair share but he ran off. The guy in yellow was a good pick though. I loved the your momma finale. I found myself calling my brother up and insulting him, until it clicked that we share a mom. Too much sun i think!
Loved the show!
March 18th, 2007 at 12:02 am
We’re going to the Tampa RenFest tomorrow and are looking forward to being entertained by you insulting others.
Your smug demeanor makes you funny before you even say a word.
You rock, smart-ass man!
March 18th, 2007 at 8:07 am
I was just wondering what dates you will be at the Bay Area Ren. Fest. None of the websites have the dates, just your name and you weren’t there the last weekend I went. I missed you!
March 18th, 2007 at 9:31 pm
Remember Me?; As a matter of fact, I do remember you. But you were pretty drunk yourself, and it wasn’t me you took behind the dumpster. I saw the whole thing. It was the sweaty suit worn by the mascot of the local minor league baseball team, who had gotten up to use the restroom. I think it was supposed to be a badger. I’m glad you enjoyed yourself, and hope the zipper didn’t hurt too much.
Harry Potter (Spencer); I confess I didn’t read the whole submission; it got pretty homogenous. (I’ll pause briefly while you go to the neighbors’ house to borrow a dictionary) Please stick to magic. The only mildly interesting thing about your post was your strange fascination with numbers. I mean, that’s really specific stuff. What’s tragic is that you were probably quite close to being born a genius; had your father not crippled his sperm by shocking his balls with a car battery on a dare, you might have gone to MIT.
Sara; Thanks. I don’t usually respond to anonymous come-ons by women who approach me on the internet, but something tells me you’re special. I’ll tell you a little about myself romantically; I’m six foot two, a Pisces, and my interests include Voodoo, building model warships, and pretending I put on a condom when I really didn’t. Musically, my favorite song is the instrumental version of “Pass the Dutchie.”
Sabrina; You spell deliciously. You spoil a man. What a pity everyone can’t be as smart as you, my lovely Portuguese sexpot. Tell Stacey that I think she’s smart too, but that if she keeps drinking like that her liver’s going to start reaching through her mouth to slap the bottle out of her hand.
March 19th, 2007 at 11:56 am
When the Bay Area Renaissance Festival arrives each year, I know that I finally get the opportunity to unleash upon the world my wild guffaws and hearty laughter (enough to carry me through the rest of the year) at Christophe’s 5:00 Adults Only “And I Fucking Mean It” show.
I thus attended his riotous St. Patrick’s Day musings on the rise and fall of Germany, the inner meanings of deviant and violent sexual acts with a variety of animals, both very large and rather small, and why “your mother” jokes are truly one of the most elegant forms of humor; even more so than a treatise on farting.
They say laughter is one of the best forms of therapy existing. A psychiatrist once told me when I was 8 that no amount of drugs or therapy would ever help me, but I do keep hope alive. Indeed, each year I leave Christophe’s show at least one iota less crazy than when I got there. I think another decade or so of shows I might rise to “pimple on the ass of the world” instead of my current ranking at “maggot swarming infected boil on a leperous dog’s eyeball”. I’m thinking I could speed the process a bit with his new CD, I’ll see if I can scrounge up a few bucks here in a bit.
Christophe, thank you for gracing us with your dangerous presence, your magnanimous smile, and your evil and filthy wit. It is much easier to insult myself for the laughter and enjoyment of my friends and loved ones knowing that someone actually makes money insulting others.
–marz (St. Patty’s Day last show; small blue hat and glasses; a blonde with curly hair sat next to me; I shook your hand after the show. I’ve seen you for probably the last 5-6 years, even when the Faire was in Largo, FL)
March 19th, 2007 at 1:54 pm
Hey man,
Thanks to your smug ass I’ll be called “Fat Dracula” until I’m 60!!! Good show, you are one of the biggest reasons we love to do the Ren Fest. We wish you all the best in your comedic endeavors, and are looking forward to seeing you again soon.
Your loyal fans in
Tampa Bay Pipes and Drums
Band Manager - Fat Dracula
March 19th, 2007 at 10:21 pm
Your Fat Dracula comment was the funniest thing all day Sunday!
When you start offering shirts I will order one. I would look ever-so-cool in one of them.
Has anyone ever mentioned to you that you sort of look like Steve Buscemi?
March 20th, 2007 at 11:04 am
Only Steve Buscemi.
March 20th, 2007 at 5:43 pm
You are so ugly………. you should be the poster boy for a Prophylactic.
You are the absolute best.
March 20th, 2007 at 8:27 pm
I don’t think you’ve sorted out how you actually feel about me, Justin.
March 21st, 2007 at 3:00 pm
Dear Cristophe,
Caught your 5:00 show on St. Pat’s day, where my lovely husband (aka Fucktard) paid you to insult me. The things you said to me were very disgusting and disturbing, as well as deeply hurtful. It’s as if you’ve known me for ages.
I am electrified yet humbled by both your devilish tongue and girlish good looks.
While typically not a fan of public degradation, if it means $20 less available to the ex-wife, I say “Rock on, Bitch.”
p.s. I do throw an intense uppercut!
March 21st, 2007 at 5:51 pm
Lady T; Is your husband “Lord T?” Or do people call him Mister T? Does he pity many Foo’s? If he has an ex, does that make you T2, or two for T? Modern life is so confusing.
March 24th, 2007 at 10:34 pm
I absolutely enjoyed all your performances on March 24th 2007. I look forward to seeing you at your own show at a pub or theater!
Can you throw in a few more terms like “goat-fisting” and “donkey punch”? Those are real zingers.
March 25th, 2007 at 11:05 am
hey!!!!!! do you remember me? i was that guy you insulted at the renaissance fayre the other weekend. you know, the one that went on for like a half horu. thanks for everything man, and ur moms a hore, and ull reeeeelly like this webpage u callous shitwheel, u sicko-fantic son of a douchenozzle. its super funny, like ur new hair.
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2003/11/10diclaudio.html
March 25th, 2007 at 5:40 pm
my boyfriend and I sincerely enjoyed you at the renn. fair in tampa yesterday ( a side from the fact that some fat fucker behind wouldn’t shut the fuck up).I was almost rolling on the ground at one point. We love your material and cannot wait to see you again next year. Keep it up.
~Mandi
March 26th, 2007 at 10:50 am
I feel that my drunken business was put out for the world to see by my slanderous friend….wait till you come down this way again I will have some insulting for her. I tried to be good- didn’t work out. We miss you!
March 27th, 2007 at 9:24 am
Dear Christophe,
I think your a great man. You provide services for those poor people who are not able to come up with dull and unwitty remarks themselves. It is people like you that bring our world into a new era by creating said service. Since you came up with such a great money making scheme, you should receive royalties from other professional insulters. Trust me there will be others, as a two year old toddler who had just learned to speak could come up with better insults then you. But fear not, those royalties you will receive will be your Social Security since we all know you don’t pay into that anyway. I had also bought one of your CDs knowing you probably needed the money for your cheap booze and crack. Maybe if you were to preform at a venue other then a hermaphroditic strip club, I might attend. Do you actually do your routine there or do you just dance?
Sincerely,
Haegar
P.S. I truly enjoy your shows, but I do feel that your repetitive insults though out the years are caused by writers block due to the ample amount of paint huffing. I hope this post and a little help from rehab will soon remove the writers block.
March 27th, 2007 at 1:43 pm
Robert; Ah, you have a taste for the animal husbandry insults. I’ll see what I can do.
Ned Alleyn; You’re right, the site is funny, if a little surly. And I really enjoyed your last performance as the Jew of Malta.
Mandi; I’m not sure I remember exactly which won’t-shut-up fat fucker you mean. There’s one at every show. The women are worse, especially near Houston. I call them ’siren women’ because they chug six beers and then go “WoooOOOOOOooooOOOOO!!” after everything you say.
Haegar; I AM a hermaphrodite, which means two things: One, I still have one more pair of balls than you. Two, we’ve accounted for yet another vagina you’ll never even get a whiff of.
March 28th, 2007 at 1:16 pm
Christoph,
I’m not sure you heard the fat fucker behind me. He wasn’t so loud he was yelling but he was loud enough for me to hear him talking shit to his wife telling her that if he paid you 100 bucks that you would make her cry cuz she was a fat bitch and wasn’t worth anything. I have to say that he didn’t get the guts to have you insult he wass just talking out his ass. We cannot wait to see you again. My boyfriend says that he really enjoyed the joke about the girl from texas and you were saying somthing like ” she broke her neck because she flushed her tits down the toilet…”He wants me to tell you that you have some serious balls to get up and insult people all day long. he also says that that would be a great way to make a living. He says he honors you in all your asshole glory, and we both thank you for giving a good time.
~Mandi
March 31st, 2007 at 3:29 pm
Cristophe..YOU KICK LOTS OF FREAKIN ASS!!!
April 6th, 2007 at 9:16 pm
Good show man! Check out my myspace page for some more pics of this years fun.
April 9th, 2007 at 8:19 pm
Yo cristophe your show was the shit man we are still laughing our asses off about how u got us. u know u made fun of 4 of us this year they were all hilariouse and we cant wait till next year. the cd you made there a few years ago is fuckin awesome too, i wont make any copies of it so that all the lazy fuckers out there have to buy there own. see u next year
April 23rd, 2007 at 9:19 am
::curtsies low:: Greetings My Lord, I should like, if you will permit me, to thank you most sincerely for your performances at the Bay Area Renaissance Festivals. You are a man of great intellect, worthy wit, as well as power and grace of form. The Goddess did well when she formed you. It has been my extreme pleasure to see you perform for many years. May the Goddess bless you and your family for all time.
Respectfully
Lady Catherine Darkwind
April 23rd, 2007 at 10:55 am
Gentle Reader,
Please note that, although they clearly operate at different reading levels and come from different centuries, Lady Darkwind and the Horny Guy from Florida both found it within themselves to comment without lapsing into abuse. I thank them both.
April 24th, 2007 at 9:45 am
Love your show. You are fantastic!
April 24th, 2007 at 2:42 pm
I do not think I could insult you to get you to insult me back. You did it to yourself at TRF last year, so you have heard it already. Have moved to Mn so I will be missing your shows this year. I know buy the DVDs….. We will see you when I can..
April 25th, 2007 at 5:49 pm
Great show again!!! You are the king!! Can’t wait until Scarborough next year!! I hope you were serious about making a tour and letting us know when you would be in town! Please keep us in your email list.
April 25th, 2007 at 10:35 pm
HONEY!!!…..I leave you alone for 2 weekends and this is the result????( Your new Scarby hat???? What the Hell were you thinking??? If you had to put a name to this hat…it would be called…”Honey, I forgot a condom…so let’s use my ugly ass hat!” I guess in alot of ways it has alot in common with a condom…except most people (with exception to you) throw the condom away after each use…NOT YOU!!! You simply rinse your ugly ass hat out hoping to rinse off all of your ugly hat wearing sperm…but if you somehow happen to impregnate the random…”she looked like a woman in the light of a back alley”…you have to congratulate yourself, pat yourself on the shoulder and say….”WHAT A DUMB ASS BITCH!!!”
Anyways…enough of me trying to insult you… :) Stick with old faithful…you know…the hat that doesn’t resemble a condom… Not even I…(and I think anything with a dick is sexy….YES I MEAN EVERYTHING)…think you are sexy in that ugly ass hat!!! ;)
love ya!!! and can’t wait to see you closing weekend!
Julie
April 26th, 2007 at 2:49 pm
Julie,
I would like to say I’m sorry you don’t like my hat, but, if it kept you from trying to rub your beaten-up junkyard girl parts all over my trousers, then I’m actually happy. If I’ve seemed cool to you in the past, it’s not because you’re unattractive; it’s just that, frankly, my seed is too good for the container you offer. One doesn’t pour hundred-dollar cabernet into an old sneaker.
April 29th, 2007 at 7:46 am
Saw your show yesterdday at the TRF, fucking awesome! I never thought I could enjoy watching someone get torn a new one! You’re amazing!
April 30th, 2007 at 8:13 am
Effie & Nick,
Actually, you saw me at the Scarborough Faire, which is near Dallas. TRF, the Texas Renaissance Festival, is an hour north of Houston and runs in the Fall. But both are in Texas, so you’re showing marked improvement. Thanks for your kind words.
April 30th, 2007 at 1:43 pm
Chris,
My wife and our family thoroughly enjoyed ourselves this Sunday at your show. We have been constant Iris & Rose fans, and this time decided to stay for your show at the pub.
If words could be found to make people wet themselves on command, I think you would be the forerunner for the research. I cannot think of the last time I laughed so hard at a performer.
It was truly inspiring the way you ripped into the woman and her smelly vagina for your $316 Insult-a-thon ($.05 Cunt or something like that).
But the one that stuck with me was the part about making men loose their hard-ons faster than Frosty trying to screw a lit tiki torch was truly imaginative!
Thanks again for the laughs; we’ll be out to see you again before the end of the Faire.
PS: email us if you would like copies of the photos my wife and I took of you humping that man on stage during your “erotic dance” routine.
May 1st, 2007 at 11:24 am
Well, I did indeed see you at Scarborough a few weekends ago. I sat directly in the front, next to “This Guy” and “That Guy”. I don’t know if you recall that, but it was amazing. Creative and/or amusing posts eh? Well, I leave you with these words then…CREATIVE AND/OR AMUSING.
May 3rd, 2007 at 10:26 pm
I’ve seen many of your shows. They are good. And getting better. The rephrasing in the last crucifiction of verbal fuckery I was proud enough to witness was horribly, beautifully effective. Never thought I’d laugh at the same shit twice, but it seems to be getting funnier each time. You need a special on HBO sir. I would gladly sit back and watch walmart pay you few dozen grand for a fourty second snippit inbetween insults.
May 5th, 2007 at 8:45 pm
I wanted to thank you deeply for such a great show today, (the 5th of May, 2 o’clock showing) and your astounding performance. I was proud to have been given such a tongue-lashing by someone as talented in the art as you. (Take that any way you want it.) I didn’t get a chance to sign your email book, but I’d love to see you in town again, and your play about Christopher Marlowe sounds fascinating, as much as your routine as Christophe. Either way, sign me up and I’ll be there with bells on when you come to Dallas again.
May 7th, 2007 at 8:05 pm
Christophe,
I attended your show on Sunday the sixth at Scarborough Faire. I was one of the friends of “Crockerstyle.” Great show! I have gone to the Faire for three years running and I always make time to catch your show. I bought a Cd which is hilarious btw, but I was wondering if you will ever make a dvd. I think it would add many dimensions to the comedy to actually see the look of horror on the victim’s wretched faces. Just a thought. Anyway thanks for doing what you do!
-Matt
May 11th, 2007 at 7:38 am
Christophe,
No insults here, just praise, because you are one of the funniest people at these faires. I visit TRF and Scarborough every year and I have to say, you are 1 of the top 5, no wait, top 3 reasons I go. Sorry, but Iris and Rose are ahead of you. They are much better looking. Anyway, keep up the good work and show no mercy to the idiots in the audience at I&R that try to take you on.
A true fan,
Donald Kee
May 18th, 2007 at 6:21 am
Donald & Matt; Thanks!
Todd; No pictures, please. What happens at the Ladyhawke stage stays at the Ladyhawke stage.
Jake; Walmart will never hire me to do an ad for them as long as a twelve-year-old Chinese boy is willing to do it for less.
Becca; the Marlowe show was great fun, but I’m getting a little long in the tooth to play him. He wasn’t even thirty when he was murdered; sort of the sixteenth century’s ‘Lizard King.’
Maiden; Alright, I’m game. SPECIAL ATTENTION.
May 21st, 2007 at 11:36 pm
o yer game huh? SMART ASS.
May 30th, 2007 at 5:12 pm
Christophe,
I love your shows (have only seen you at Scarborough Faire) and look forward to more! My comment is kind of silly, but… I am an out bisexual woman and got a kick out of this from your home page:
“I embrace you. I lay my hand warmly on the small of your back, putting my middle finger down the back of your pants, but only to the first knuckle. Second knuckle if I enjoy your perfume or after-shave.”
Very good of you to be equal opportunity! Hee hee!
June 2nd, 2007 at 4:13 pm
Hello Dear,
Thank you for another hilarious season. My friend Cindy will forever bear the nickname “dumpster bees” among our group of friends. And we’re still quoting 50 things women would rather do than date her husband Adam.
Yes, good times indeed.
Hope to see you in the fall at TRF! Oh, and tell Dahlia hi if you see her :)
June 6th, 2007 at 8:59 pm
christophe, you silver tongued devil. insulting people here and being all mean and bastardy when i know that at heart you are really quite…POETIC!! that’s right. your secret’s out of the bag and i’m the one who did it!
miss ya ya bum.
L
June 10th, 2007 at 1:36 pm
Ah, but can a 12 year old chinese boy call your mother a cunt and get away with it?
no.
you’d beat his little asian ass and you know it.
Thats where you come in friend.
for some reason I just got the strongest urge to say “Bitch Titties” … dunno why.
June 14th, 2007 at 2:17 pm
Hey pal see you on Monday the 18th in Good ole’ Gulfport!
June 18th, 2007 at 3:37 pm
Good to see you still insultin! Break a leg at the show. Unfortunatly my warped sense of morals forces me to stay in Indiana and tend to my 85 year old altzheimere’d momma instead of selling all my worldly goods and building the First Temple to Christoph, but get back to me in a few. Who knows, with my intensive listerine and sterno regeime, I may yet see the light…
July 22nd, 2007 at 3:11 pm
Christophe,
It was a blast to see you rip myself and my friends a new asshole at the Bristol Rennisance Faire July 21st! I never thought being insulted could be so much fun! I’ll definetally will be coming to see you if you ever tour the chicago area! Keep it up!! You rocked!
~Susie~
(bright pink polka dot)
July 23rd, 2007 at 10:31 pm
Christophe, you dirty boy!
I saw your show yesterday evening at Bristol. The word “snowblower” will never again be the same for me. I have composed some verses in your honor.
Ode to Christophe
If you are pure and innocent
And have a pristine heart,
and in all forms of bastardy
refuse to have a part,
Take heed then to my warning
when you spend time at the Faire,
Of all the entertainers,
There is one you must beware:
He’s Christophe the Insultor
At the Ren Faire he’s a star
Lambasting drunken patrons
As they slobber at the bar.
“You’re not funny. You’re stupid.”
And the tavern-goers cheer!
The ensuing string of insults
makes one nigh spit out his beer.
When discussing a vagina
In his own descriptive way,
By his adjectival usage
He could drive a straight man gay.
And when some hapless chap finds
Himself Christophe’s target,
The subject of his manhood
is the topic of his wit.
“Your Balls Are Small,” quips Christophe
As a poem he recites
To the acclaim of Harley-riding
Wenches and their “Knights”.
So chubby Xena wanna-be,
I’d get thee far from here.
And weirdos dressed as Klingons,
You should probably steer clear.
And you, dear reader, who profess
A spirit clean and pure,
You need to stay the fuck away
Or you’ll be ruined for sure!
So heed these words of warning
And mind these rules of thumb.
And if my verse confused you,
Smart people, help the dumb!
July 25th, 2007 at 5:52 pm
Just saw you at Bristol, all I have to say is ” Pass the Dutchie!” and to everyone else learn to spell I started to read your garbled shit, for christ sake, smart people help the dumb!
July 30th, 2007 at 11:08 am
We saw you at the Bristol Faire on Saturday and absolutely LOVED it! It was my husband’s first trip to a Ren Fest and he is hooked! He is a sailor, as are most of our friends. I thought I was used to all sorts of verbal douchebaggery but, YOU my friend… WERE… AWESOME!
Thank you.
August 1st, 2007 at 9:21 am
Risa:
I thank you for your rhyming words.
It seems you are the first
To write a poem on this site;
I wish it were the worst
I could expect to hear, but now
you will be imitated
by those (alas) whose metric skills
are quite self-overrated.
Soon there will be limericks,
a broke-dick villanelle,
and something like a sonnet
if it were composed in hell.
A retard down in Grapevine
will, with shit upon a towel,
rhyme about the time he
accidently fucked an owl;
this will, of course, be typed and sent
in by the loving wife
whose tooth he chipped when he
attacked her with a butter-knife.
So, thank you for the poem
you clever little whore;
but all the rest of you, please note
I don’t want any more.
August 1st, 2007 at 6:14 pm
I am so busy laughing that I don’t even resent being called a “whore”.
August 3rd, 2007 at 4:11 pm
Good evening, Christophe! I’m so glad to see that your site is up and running. when you told me about it a few years ago, I couldn’t find it and was sorely disappointed … Obviously, I am no longer disappointed. It was great to see you again at Scarby this past season. I’m sorry I was unable to catch a show … I do so enjoy your work! Hopefully I will see you this coming season, when I won’t miss a few weekends to be overseas!
Slainte …
August 12th, 2007 at 9:56 pm
You are one of the main reasons we visit the Ren Faire. Seeing your performance at the Pig & Whistle is the cherry on top of our day every year. We wouldn’t miss seeing you for the biggest, hardest cock south of the Wisconsin border. I could only wish you could insult my worthless piece of shit ex-boyfriend and my bastard ex-husband and his fat-ass wife while I sat front and center in person while you did it. I Love You!
August 14th, 2007 at 9:16 am
Fuck. That was a great 5:30 show at Bristol. I was so drunk I can’t even remember half the shit you said but it was fucking funny. I travel over 200 miles every year to go to Bristol. Been going for 15 years now, and I have to say your 5:30 show is the high point of my days there.
August 15th, 2007 at 8:01 am
hello again my freind!
i totally rocked Dr. Faustus the other day, u shoulda seen it! sorry i havent wrote back since last post, ive been busy hangin with this guy Ben Jonson, ill introduce u2. neway, i saw that poemtry and i just had to send u some of my one:
when i am at the rennie fair
and chris insults my friends
i laugh so hard i pull my hair
until his verbiage ends,
my friends turn red when he sais cunt
and other real bad words,
all as sharp as his head is blunt -
o chris amuses nerds!
if uve got kids u should beware
he tells it like it is
and tho he’s got no head of hair
that show is hairy, his!
i know u said you didnt want poetry but i figured ud like mine so i sent it to u neway and neway u can let me kno when u reply if u liked it or not but i am sure u will have. if u dont then uve got small ballz and ur face resembles a the under arms of Paolo Garbanzo after hes juggled for 2 hours - and i know u know what that looks like first hand u gay bastard!
-Ned
August 28th, 2007 at 8:38 pm
I see you are not planning on attending Michigan this year, what is the chance that you will be there in 2008. Or is Bristol as close as you will get.
August 29th, 2007 at 3:33 pm
Heather and Rob;
Good news and bad news. The good news is that I will be in Michigan. The bad news is that often my head drifts asswards. That’s really just bad news for me, not you. I simply neglected to tell my web guy when I concluded negotiations with the Michigan fair. I will be there for four weekends beginning September 8th.
For those who don’t know, the Michigan show is a pretty little renaissance festival just south of Flint. The cool thing about Michiganders is that they’re pretty smart, fun-loving and they are duck-like in their indifference to rain. When bad weather hits, Michigan crowds break out the ponchos and keep partying instead of running for their cars like a herd of little girls.
Ned Alleyn; If you write one more line of embarrassing verse, Geoffrey Chaucer is going to crawl out of his grave, run up your ass and come out shaking your heart in his teeth.
Gentle readers; Thank all of you who came out fo the Doug Stanhope freakshow at the Lakeshore Theater in Chicago. I did five minutes in the first half and about ten minutes after intermission. I got to eat and poop a heckler, which is one of my favorite pastimes.
Doug had assembled a motley crew of entertainers, none of whom were sober, except perhaps the aerialist stripper. Even the emcee ended up down to his boxer shorts. I’m sure the whole thing looked like one long motivational film for alcoholics anonymous.
The Lakeshore Theater is a real Chicago gem; an independent theater that hires whomever they please, and the edgier the better. Check out their website at www.lakeshoretheater.com to see who’s coming. If you would like to see Christophe the Insultor headline there this winter, let them know under the ‘contact’ tag.
But be polite, fuckers.
Save the dirty stuff for me.
September 1st, 2007 at 7:01 pm
Hey Christophe! I just wanted to thank you for all the wonderful laughter youve granted me and my friends, both by tearing us apart, and tearing apart other random bastards and drunken whores.
Ive been coming to see you for nigh on eight years now and I swear no matter how many times I see you, it never gets old.
May the Gods Bless You and Yours,
Luke
PS
I hope you dont mind if i borrow some of your insults to use on people who truly do deserve it.
September 3rd, 2007 at 9:00 am
O Christophe,
Previously, I had thought myself a clever bastard. A word smith whose specialty lie in the fine art of insults. Perhaps even too clever, too experienced in the art of the insult, too jaded by years of reducing the unworthy to their proper place, to be impressed by a ‘professional insulter’.
How foolish I was. How small, spindly and dessicated my previous attempts seem when held before the shining bastion of righteous and verbose bastardy that you present. How minuscule my pathetic attempts at insulting seem when compared to a master of the form. I feel like a paint-by-numbers jockey being shown the Louvre. I feel like I now have a reason to improve. A reason to strive for that pinnacle, that peak of sublime ruthlessness, cunning wordplay, and smarmy genius that you currently occupy so comfortably.
Beware, my friend. The envious lie below. They look on your lofty perch with malice in their hearts, and sharp rocks in their hands.
And now, I need to go and chase down my sheets. They’re attempting, once more, to slouch out of my home and impregnate yet another random passing woman. 36 legitimate children and 1 from the hamster is enough, already…
September 8th, 2007 at 12:29 pm
I found your site while looking through a Rennie friend’s MySpace page and HAD to check it out. I’ve always loved the BARF and I always make sure that I catch your show as many times as I can each year. I’ve been on cast there twice, actually, including being in the chess match. I always make sure that I tell everyone who is new to the Renaissance Festival to be SURE to go see your show because I feel it is the best one there (perhaps tied with the chess match, but I am biased). I even tried to get you to come out and “roast” a friend of mine for his 30th birthday, but couldn’t afford it. One day… one day, sir, when I have the means, I promise that I will finally find you at a faire and make sure to give you the tip money I’ve wanted to give you over the years, but have been too broke to give (I have added to the basket a few times that gets passed, though).
Your broke, but loyal fan,
Jannie
September 12th, 2007 at 8:06 am
Just wanted to say hello! A big fan of your work. And I remember when you played Marlowe at Sterling. (My friend still talks about it, btw. I don’t think she’s ever been the same since seeing that show. You’ve ruined her for any other man.) Hope everything is going well.!
September 14th, 2007 at 9:45 am
Jannie;
Thank you so much for your loyalty and your recommendations over the years.
One dollar from a broke but loyal fan is worth twenty from some heartless personal injury attorney or corporate raider. Well, maybe not twenty, but twelve. Twelve dollars. Or six. No, six dollars is pretty cool. Two dollars. No, because if everybody threw two dollars instead of one, well, you do the math…
Shit, Jannie, you need to get a better job.
September 24th, 2007 at 1:48 pm
Caught you at the Ren. fest here in Michigan last weekend and I have to say, I have never laughed so hard in my life! I even got the pleasure of being insulted during one of the shows thanks to the collection my friends took up to make me the asshole. Good times! Thanks for the “tips” on going out to the bars, haha, that was great!
Take care, can’t wait to see your show again.
In the meantime, You can burn my fleas with your lighter anytime!
September 30th, 2007 at 6:15 am
Dear Cristophe,
We got totally busted by security in front of the castle for shooting people with marshmallows after you left. Some cunt totally turned us in. I was hoping she would have showed up to your show that evening and I would have paid $50 to have her insulted but she wasn’t there. Life’s a bitch. We’ll keep checking out your page for tour dates, if you’re anywhere near Toledo OH, we’ll be there!
Love,
Sarah and Bobby
October 2nd, 2007 at 10:28 pm
Bobby;
I tried, in my gentle way, to show you that not everybody appreciates having marshmallows shot at them. But if having your face straddled and humped by me in front of your ladyfriend wasn’t sufficient, then clearly you needed a little tough love from Johnny Law.
October 3rd, 2007 at 4:48 pm
Christophe,
First saw your show at Bristol a few years back and instantly put you on my short list of ‘must see at least once’ shows. I’m glad that you attend the last few weeks of the Holly festival as well. I live halfway between Bristol and Holly and attend each one at least once each summer.
I picked up both CDs this summer. Really enjoy them both, especially ‘Smart People’. Very funny.
Saw you Labor Day weekend at Bristol and the last two Sundays at Holly. Great shows, although disappointed you walked out on the late show in the castle at Holly because of the jerks who wouldn’t shut up.
I was also wondering if you have any say as to which stage you get to use at Holly. The Washing Well stage didn’t seem to work out too well. You had kids and families arriving in the middle of your show to get a seat for the wench show and all your shows were competing with the joust which made it very hard to hear you from more than a few rows away. Last year they had you at one of the pubs and the Ded Bob stage and last weekend you had a show at the Bocca stage, which would seem to work better.
Also wondering if you normally do the Wisconsin (Chippewa Falls) or the Minnesota Fair in June/July.
Thanks
October 4th, 2007 at 8:20 am
John;
I don’t perform at either of the last two fairs you mentioned. I’m usually off in June.
I haven’t found a stage at Michigan that works as well for me as the stages at other festivals. The director there is very cool, though, and we are trying to find the right recipe.
As for the show I walked out on, there really wasn’t any alternative. People shouting over each other isn’t much of a show, and that’s all that was going to happen. Sorry your visit that day coincided with a visit by the Michigan chapter of the League of Drunken Douchebags.
Thanks for your kind words.
October 7th, 2007 at 10:21 pm
Chris, just got home from the first weekend of ren fest, and saw your show, twice it was so good. Missed your last one but i will be comin back again before it is over and will make sure to catch the last one, as i heard it was the best. Well thanks for making my day so much better from other people getting insulted, by you. Good day.
October 9th, 2007 at 7:12 am
Tony,
Thank you very much.
If you are the same Tony I remember insulting after he annoyed the entire crowd by trying to respond to everything I said to anyone, then I must urge you to slow down your drinking.
I do this on behalf of your liver, which has begun to look like Peter Lorre. I also do this on behalf of your friends, who were conspicuously absent. Finally, I do this on behalf of your keyboard, which I suspect may have been vomited on immediately after you finished your letter.
I hope your return to the Texas show does not mean I can expect an encore, or that you will once again follow me around slurring your good will after making a complete tool of yourself during the show. As a man who has drunkenly embraced toolhood on more than one occasion (see Lakeshore Theater, above), I say this with some affection. But not so much that I shall want a hug, particularly if you wear a vest with no shirt again.
With sincere good wishes,
Christophe
October 9th, 2007 at 3:05 pm
Christophe,
Loved the show opening weekend in Texas. You you are delightfully vulgar and i enjoy your show every time I get a chance to see it. So keep up the good work, and feel free to drop the f bomb a little more. If they dont like it they should have left long before that point anyway.
Rock on Brother,
Andy
October 9th, 2007 at 4:50 pm
Enjoyed your show at the Mich Ren.
Wish you could be there sooner.What type of acting
do you do?(Shakespeare???). Anyway, you’re great,
(do a YouTube video for exposure!), and I’ll see you
next year.
Bruce
October 10th, 2007 at 6:38 am
Bruce; Thanks. I’m thinking about something for YouTube. It will have to wait until early next year, though.
Andy; The f bomb in comedy is like cayenne pepper in cooking. Artfully applied, it provides a lovely warmth. Poor cooks shovel it in until it numbs the palate.
November 5th, 2007 at 8:04 am
Christophe, you fine figure of a man - I say that with tongue firmly in cheek and glasses firmly on the desk rather than my head, so I need not gaze upon your magnificently putrescent countenance that would surely distract me from my unbelievably witty commentary - you are truly the highlight of the TRF for myself and my minions.
Yes, I have minions. In fact, I paid you this year to insult one of my most loyal - and he loved it (though I confess he might be more than a little infatuated with you… and really, who isnt’?). I even bought your CD… I needed something shiny for my rear-view mirror to distract the rednecks.
Kudos to you, sir, for providing entertainment in a manner suitable for not only the lowest gutter trash - How’s Mom, anyway? - but also for the finest table.
Well done, and I will see you again next weekend, whereupon I hope to heap your haphazard helpings of hilarious humiliations upon yet another unsuspecting soul.
November 5th, 2007 at 9:25 am
I was at your show yesterday and u got my boyfriend Andy so well it was so worth it. I havent had so much fun at a show in a while. Cant wait to see u again!!!!
November 5th, 2007 at 6:28 pm
Hey dude whats up, I didnt get a chance to sign and leave my info at the Texas ren fest on Nov. 3 when you insulted me. If you remember you asked me, “Did the people who sold you that muscle shirt tell you, you had to bring your own muscles”. Was awesome, well anyways i left my email and website so hit me up when you have shows near houston and beaumont.
November 14th, 2007 at 7:30 pm
If I wore one, my hat would be off to you yet again, Sir.
TRF (11-12-07) would not be complete without you, and OF COURSE LARF is SO lame without you!
I have lusted after your insults (and you!) since the southern PA RenFair Memorial Day weekend in 1998. Or was it 1999? PA was the Fair that I discovered mead… it gets fuzzy after that… I have so many precious memories of watching you in action.
Seriously, Sunday was the best of your shows I have EVER seen. What a finale!
I dropped my card in your hat. If you’re ever passing through Baton Rouge and want a free meal and a free place to sleep over, drop me a line, or give me a call. [Shakespeare has been here. Duncan will give us a good hospitality reference!]
Congrats on your continued success!
~q.
November 14th, 2007 at 11:59 pm
This wouldn’t be the same Quilty that stalked my beloved nymphet and I cross-country, absconding with her and forcing me to shoot him in his bathrobe?
November 26th, 2007 at 7:49 am
Hey there, Christoph. Just wanted to drop by and say hello. And as always, you are a god among peasants. Keep up the great work!
November 26th, 2007 at 6:37 pm
Well, we both loved the shows we saw and have now seen 2 “adult only” shows at TRF.
Thanks for making me feel as wise as Courtney Love after a weekend bender in Amsterdam.
Have a great one, congrats on the award and see you at Scarby.
lance & sabain
ps - Nealy’s p***y…. See You There! best line ever!
November 27th, 2007 at 7:08 pm
The last weekend of TRF was the first time I’ve seen your show. Thanks for mading it worth staying out in the dreadful weather.
November 29th, 2007 at 7:49 am
Kiki;
What a dreary weekend. The whole thing was like the funeral of a lounge pianist. Yet sometimes performing for twelve sad bastards in the rain is more uplifting than making two hundred people roar. Not often, mind you, and not necessarily this time…but sometimes.
November 29th, 2007 at 8:14 am
Son, it’s dad. Again. Listen, I thought we had a deal. I let you loose on earth for a few years, and you soften up the “soulies” for my imminent return. I didn’t tell you to go traipsing across the planet dressed like a spring fairy making them all chuckle. Now listen. You’ve got some serious work to do, so cut that insult shit out and get to work. Try joining the priesthood. I hear they’ve got a good supply of corruptible little boys…Hmm
Love, Dad.
November 29th, 2007 at 8:47 am
MephistophEles;
Look, “Dad,” just because you believe you sired me doesn’t mean you get to tell me what’s what. Where were you at Christmas? My birthday? Did you even bother to send me a five dollar bill with a torn off corner, upon which, barely perceptibly, a tiny John Wilkes Boothe lurked behind Lincoln? A real prince of Hell could have done THAT, at least.
And, now that you’ve slouched out of the woodwork, let’s address the question of my paternity. Claimants to that title include a hard-drinking navy man, a Libyan jet pilot, Henry Kissinger, three Swiss Guards at the Vatican, Zeus, a donkey, Zeus as a donkey, and now you. Get your shit, together, “Dad,” and learn to spell your own name; you’re embarrassing everybody.
December 2nd, 2007 at 3:38 pm
Well son,
I won’t lie to you. While those gentlemen did indeed all have a turn at your mother, It was, indeed, I, who planted the seed from which you’ve grown.
Zeus, that possesive bastard, tried to get in one last thrust but I was able to outmuscle him to get in the final shot.
And I have to say, aside from the whole insult/comedy thing (by the way, Rickles is down here and he’s PISSED.) that you’ve embraced (Im sure it’s a phase, like your joining of NAMBLA) I have to admit that a tear does come to your old dad’s eyes when I think of how you’ve done me proud.
You have done far more towards convincing people that neither I, nor…you know who…exist.
Now, don’t you have an altar boy to “pray with”?
December 4th, 2007 at 11:59 am
Naaaa, this Quilty steals no nymphets. This Quilty is female. And a good cook, and offers clean and lovely guest rooms, too, dammit!
December 11th, 2007 at 9:23 am
Hey, Christophe!
Just wanted to say I loved your schindig at Michigan Ren Fest–it really inspired me. Also, I read “Rapture.” I love it.So much, in fact, I feel ashamed to have ever written any poetry myself.Don’t change–keep up the good work! Stay hot!
December 13th, 2007 at 9:46 pm
Mephistopheles; I’m disturbed that you know what NAMBLA is. I had to google that.
Taylor; Thank you. And thank you for both telling us your age and surfacing immediately following the ‘Lolita’ references.
January 3rd, 2008 at 10:32 am
Hey! How the hell are ya? Anywho, cant wait till FlaRF, im bringin some people that have never seen or heard of your show lol should be interesting =)
January 14th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
Chris,
How the hell are ya? Love the site, and I read some of your poetry published online, great stuff as always. The wife and I are in DC until November, then it is off to Angola for two years. Yeah, I know, but its better than Iraq. Stop by if you pass through this way. Don’t suppose you’ll do Sterling this year? Anyway hope you’re doing well, drop us a line sometime.
No insults from me, God knows I’ve racked up far too much karmic debt working for this cat-fucker.
Cheers
January 14th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
Jeff,
An astute reader will quickly surmise that you are a government employee, and that the cat-fucker you refer to is the current occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania avenue. Well, let’s not get mean about things; some will interpret your comment as being unfair to cats.
January 22nd, 2008 at 11:45 pm
Hey-loooooo Chris!! I don’t know if you’ll remember me by my name, but I slept on your couch once and drank your booze…I came over a few times to hang out with Tarah and Guy and I saw a play in Gulfport a few years back that I believe was written by you and that you also narrated…Bulls and Sangria??
Your website is awesome and you are even awesomer!
Will you be at the Bay Area Renn Faire?
Love!!!
January 25th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
I’m very sad that I missed you at TRF this year, but am looking forward to seeing you at Scarby (if I can make it to Waxahachie though the drunken stupor that will be my birthday). I’d be very interested to see if you have what it takes to make me blush. ;)
February 9th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
Christophe,
I’ve been watching your show for years and never miss it at whichever ren rest I happen to be at. I’ve lived near FLARF all my life and now I go to school near BARF. I started bringing my roommate along last year and we both love your show immensely. We’re trying to get a big group of our friends to go to BARF later in the run and get everyone to pool together to insult the asshole in the group, cause boy do we have an asshole for you to rip apart. And since I have the good fortune to be running a booth in Tampa this year I’ll be sure to see lots more of you. Thanks for all the laughs,
Sam
February 11th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
I love you. As in, I love you so much I’m willing to become your stalker. Forever.
I saw you for the first time yesterday, and meant to breathe down your neck for the night but I was, alas, with a group of friends who may think ill of such an act.
Next time, Christophe, next time.
February 13th, 2008 at 11:35 pm
Ah, stalkers. The herpes of the entertainment world. If you must stalk someone, Brittany, I’m sure you can find a more chic subject than a hairy middle-aged alcoholic in tights who talks about farts all day.
February 19th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
Thank you very much for putting my husband in his place on Sunday. He was the big guy with the two skull and crossbones belt buckles and the pistols pointing at his pecker. I especially loved when you said that going on a date with him was like trying to get a turtleneck on a jellyfish. I was laughing so hard I thought I would pee my pirate pants! Thanks for scarring him for life!!!
February 27th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
Well I never thought I would see the day when the most bastardly of bastards gets anally pillaged by a horde of pixies. That was the funniest/most asshole puckering experiences to date. And yes, I needed a crane to free my self off my seat from the suction created by my puckered asshole. Even with the insatiable rain that evening you still put on a good show and made Tits as wide-eyed as a deer in the headlights. On second thought, I don’t think I was looking at her eyes.
I hope to see you at the Florida Ren Fest next year!
March 13th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Hello Christophe,
I Saw you on Saturday March 8,2008. And I paid you to rag on my Friend Angel, He was very Happy that you did pin point him to a tee. He is far from an ANGEL just like you said. And it was really funny that he turned beat red when you pin pointed him like that. I love the way you are and how you speak your mind. I am a BIG fan of yours. Please let me know when you are back in south Fl again, I would like to see your show again, I never laughed that much in a long time. Not to say that my daughter was in a very bad crash over pride of a boy losing a street race. So you have really brightened my outlook at people again.
After that day I went and raced him myself and kicked his ass at the same spot she flipped. And I really had a GREAT time because of the day you gave me. So thank you very MUCH.
March 17th, 2008 at 7:28 am
Hello, Christoph. I, too, was wondering if you were going to be at the BARF this year. I now have beautiful and bountiful breasts that will be nicely stuffed into a burgundy velvet gown plunging to my navel. Thought you might like to see their debut this year. Planning on March 29th. Will you be there???
March 18th, 2008 at 11:18 am
Before the rest of you come running to Tampa on the 29th, I think you should know that Wednesday is a man.
March 20th, 2008 at 12:12 am
You say that your hobbies are voodoo and model warships?? Have you thought about combining the two. I think the US Navy will be in big trouble. But you’ll be in the clear. They’ll find a way to blame it on Iran.
Do you ever perform at the Georgia Ren. Festival South of Atlanta?
March 22nd, 2008 at 7:10 am
Hey, you! Glad to see you got the site up! It’s fabulous!
Hope I bump into you sometime this year and we can catch up!
Mwah!
Lis
April 6th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
You can be as mean as you want to us but we love you anyway. If we had cocks, you would make them hard.
Kiss Kiss
April 7th, 2008 at 10:53 am
Outstanding shows at Scarborough this openeing weekend, Christoph… I couldn’t stop laughing at the guy who called himself “Denyal - The Heterosexual Fairy” You got him Good!! …. And I love the new poem “I Gave Your Mom a Biscuit.” Great stuff, you are the best… I’ll be seeing you next time….
April 7th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Ah…he immatures as he ages…
April 9th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Hey you bastard! I saw your show @ BARF. It was towards the end of the day, I was going to watch the gay guys playing chess and fighting with swords, but was hustled into watching your show. You were awesome. I cant wait to see you preform somewhere soon! You were saying you are trying to get into some local bars or something, and I was wondering if you had done so yet. I signed the guestbook, but thought I would sign here too. Anyways, keep me in touch you cock sucking dirty bastard!
April 14th, 2008 at 9:53 am
When the hell will you be around chicago…I havent heard any insults like yours…since bristol ren. fair…..bust my cherry lol.
April 15th, 2008 at 8:59 pm
Hi,
I agree with one of the comments above. You should really get more videos up on Youtube. Right now, there are just three clips on.
That said, those clips were hilarious. Getting paid for insulting people. Who would have thunk it? :)
N yes, I know thunk isn’t a word. Its a line from a movie. Which one, escapes me.
April 15th, 2008 at 10:47 pm
HooooooooooooAhhhh-HoooooAhh-HoooAhhh!! (bad Pine Tree impression)
EXCELLENT job of insulting my friend Kris-the Jedi garbed dumbass-at last fall’s TRF in Houston. You had us all crying with laughter-but even more so when our “friend” Dinora was voted to take the stage by a jury of her peers and have her ego permanently annihilated by your increasingly wretched string of filth. AMAZING!! I’d have swam face-down through an ocean of steaming hot male cat-piss to have that on videotape!
I suppose this year, it will be MY TURN to be verbally raped in public…HUZZAH!!
April 16th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
I remember seeing your show in Texas about 2 years ago. If memory serves, you had on a pair of ridiculously tight leotards, a leather coat with puffy shoulders, and a feathered hat. Id swear you were trying to portray yourself as a Ballet dancing, Homosexual Pimp. Which would fit actually, since I don’t believe I’ve ever met a man that was so obviously talented with his mouth?
In all seriousness your show was amazing, and I’m looking forward to seeing you at Scarborough in May.
Peace!
April 27th, 2008 at 12:40 am
I went to the Scarborough festival and caught the last part of your show and it was fucking hilarious. I woulden’t mind going out there again just to see your show… keep doin what your doin… you necrophiliac transvestite crackwhore
April 29th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Good day to you Lord,
I do love your disclaimer and laugh my ass off watching the bible thumpers sqeeze there ass cheeks together as the exit the pavillion.
If everyone would lighten up and quit using that big fat purple crayon this world would be a much better place.
I have seen your show at the TRF two different years.
I was able to take my husband this year and I have not seen him laugh that much in a long time.
My hat is off to you and keep up the good work.
May 5th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Saw you May 4th at the renaissance fair. The only thing insulting about your show was that you charged money for the alleged “insults.” I saw better insults scibbled on the inside of the porta potty that I dropped a deuce in after seeng your show. The highlight of the show was the 10 minute pause while the “parade” came through. What did you do before the show, “Google” common 4th grade insults?
May 12th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
Insultor: Did you graduate 3rd grade? I did too but I would have quit there if I had your talent for cut-downs. I saw you get $250 to insult one guy!
May 15th, 2008 at 6:31 am
Just wanted to send a warm fuzzy hug and some Butter Rum Loki your way. Thank you again for annihilating my aunt (Mum’s baby sister, who was a Ren-Virgin until YOU deflowered her, figuratively, of course…) a few weekends back.
I look forward to wrapping my arms around you closing weekend! Cheers! ~k
May 19th, 2008 at 11:46 am
Why don’t you sell some t-shirts with your likeness so that I can wear one and thus demonstrate how cool I am. (Be sure to include baby sizes so that my little one can be awesome too!) Or better yet, put an insult on them so that I can give them as secret santa gifts!
May 20th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
your a cum crusted pussy bubble, but i like it.
May 21st, 2008 at 4:18 pm
***Sorry for the long hiatus; my webmaster imploded. But I’m looking for another one. If you entered a comment in the last six or eight weeks, I should get to it soon.***
May 21st, 2008 at 5:58 pm
Your webmaster is a Scotch-snorting, knuckle-dragging cocksicle, Christophe. How dare he deprive Gaea’s bastardous, snot-nosed, drunken children of your comedic wit and extreme good looks, even for a mere moment? Off with his effing head, I say!
We caught you at Scarborough last weekend, where you insulted some poor, witless chap’s mother within an inch of her sad, meaningless life. It was a rancid, soul-bleaching manifesto of utter filth and genius . . . and I APPLAUD YOU, sir!!!
Love, Beezulbitch
May 21st, 2008 at 6:09 pm
Please pardon my oversight . . .
I meant Scotch-snorting, knuckle-dragging, MOUTH-BREATHING cocksicle. Please forgive my transgression. Nevertheless, he, my sweet, is a prick. Technical serf-nerds shall always remember their place, sir. Carry on.
May 26th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
Saw your show today in Waxahachie for the 2nd time, first time was in Feb. 2006 in near Deersfield Bech, FL. I have been waiting 2 yrs to see your show again & as always, was absolutely halirious!! Had a pic taken with you, it did not come out. :’( See you next year, GREAT FUCKIN’ SHOW CHRISTOPH, AS ALWAYS!!!!
Tricia Knight (Dallas, TX)
May 27th, 2008 at 9:34 am
I enjoyed my Memorial day verbal flogging, you AIDs-infested cum bubble.
May 27th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Oh man… Memorial Day at Scarby 2008 (Texas) was awesome. My husband and I attended the end of your second-to-last show, stayed for the “tastefully tactless” Iris & Rose (gotta love them) and also for your Adults Only last show of the day! (with the finale of DJ: the dirty, mean, old, no-toothed, veteran, Santa; who kept threatening to show us his little wrinkly friend.)
Needless to say, you know you’ve had a good time when you can’t feel your ass, your abdomen hurts and your cheeks are sore! (dirty minded people… help the innocent minded people..)
I can’t believe some idiot paid you to insult yourself! It was actually kind of funny… Though, I’ve never seen that happen before. Some people are just plain dumb… “Oh, let’s pay Christophe to insult himself, that’ll be a RIOT!” well… you’re always a riot, but still…
I have to say though, you told the best “mother joke” I’ve ever heard… the one about the 20 camels. Good stuff.
Can’t wait to see you next year! (Smartly dressed in your manly girdle, no less…)
~CG
May 28th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
All I wanted was some copy for the Bristol program and now I’ve killed a decent chunk of my scant allotted time on this earth reading various pages of your website - enthralled and yet frustrated to be unable to find copy text that doesn’t (appropriately) include the word Archbastard. But now I’ve fixated so I did ask the GM if I could use the word Archbastard in the Bristol program. She poo-poo’d that. So, I’ve written “Not in the least bit family-friendly unless you’re one of ‘those’ kinds of families”.
Welcome to Bristol, Chris.
May 29th, 2008 at 7:19 am
Since I was unable to respond to your mail for nearly two months, I would like to go back and answer some questions posted earlier this season.
SteveH (see March 20th, above); I have never performed at the Georgia show and likely never will (in this guise)as it prides itself on being family friendly. The director of that show once approached me at Bristol and said she liked what I did and would be happy to hire me in Georgia if I could tone it down. Yes, and I would be happy to keep a pet shark in my pool if it would just bite less hard.
Bob (see May 5th, above); I hate to see a customer walk away dissatisfied. If you’ll just give me another chance, I’ll try to make my show more offensive. Although the only way I can think of to make it as spicy as you seem to want it would be to show my audience the pictures I have of your mother giving me a blumkin in the mens room at a 1986 Bananarama concert.
Happy Camper (see May 21st, above); No reason for vitriol. My former webmaster designed this site and, while circumstances may have temporarily thrown his reliability into question, there is no question about his genius. I wish him well.
Susan; Ah, Bristol. A festival with some of the coolest, brightest, child-friendly characters anywhere (check out the Fantasticals) AND an archbastard on stage at the Pig and Whistle tavern. Something for everyone, just choose your poison. I’m happy to be returning, if only for a limited run.
May 29th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
>
Insultor,
I have reason to believe you are giving your webmaster “mouth-hugs”, as we say here in TX. Say it ain’t so? . . . But if it is . . . was it good for you? :)
HC
May 31st, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Freakin Hilarious as always Insultor!! Thanks for giving me the final insult onstage nonetheless at Coconuts Comedy Club in Clearwater, Fl.. My lady Kim and my friends Rich & Grace had a blast and are now enjoying 2 copies of Cockblock on a daily basis thanks to your giving but also bastardly nature LOL!! Kim can’t stop laughing about your chilly comments on her lower half ;) Stay nasty and keep up the good show it’s always a blast every time..
June 1st, 2008 at 9:39 pm
I don’t know if you remember you drunk ass twat, but I was at your show with fuckin loud mouth drunk whore in the back that kept on going WOOOOO HOOO WOOOO HOOO. Remember now. I think the audience paid over 300+ for the final insult for her. Shit If I had a a 1,000 I would have paid it to see you put your foot up her ass. Anyways that’s the first time I’ve seen you and I’ll see you every time you cum to Dallas. I can’t forget this quote from you “Parents please take your kids away from here unless you want to here this question Mommy what is Fisting????” Fuckin awesome thank you again and let me know if you perform at any clubs in Dallas/Ft Worth
June 2nd, 2008 at 9:06 pm
Ah, the Hoss. I believe I do remember the woman in question. I don’t know why they whoo-hoooo along with everything, particularly things they seem to enjoy, but that’s how more than a few sloshy drunk Texas chicks choose to roll. Every date’s deep embarrassment and every performer’s nightmare. I wonder if Jesus would have been able to finish the sermon on the mount through that, or if he would have gently afflicted her with narcolepsy, a power I occasionally wish I had.
July 7th, 2008 at 6:42 am
Hail, Christophe!
No poetry this time, just want to compliment you on two great shows this weekend (despite yesterday’s loud asshats at the back of the Pig n’ Whistle). Thanks to you, I’m going around singing “When I Tea-bagged Your Mother”. I was trying to explain the wonders of your show to my mother, and had to explain the term “tea-bag” to her. She said, “That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard.” She’s never been to Bristol, but if I succeed in dragging her, she needs to see your show to realize that it gets much, much worse. I was hoping for a repeat performance of “I Gave Your Mom a Biscuit” on Sunday…that was fucking hilarious.
I hope my friend remembers to send you a postcard from Porno, Hungary…she loves your show too. Enjoy Sterling, although you will be sorely missed at Bristol for the next month!
July 20th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
Greetings Christophe. Just wanted to let you know how much I love your show and what a blast it is. Unfortunately I noticed you are not playing the weekend I head to bristol this year, August 16. it has always been the highlight of the group trip there to go and see your show. I would be honored any day of the week to be insulted by you.
July 22nd, 2008 at 6:08 am
I saw you at Ren Fair in Kenosha a few years back, and purchased one of your CDs. As an aspiring improv comedian, I was just curious as to how much of your work is improvised? Thanks for the laugh and good times.
July 24th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Chrissy you miserable pud-thumper. I fart in your mother’s general erection. The only person in your in-bred family with even sub-human intelligence is your father George W. Bush. Only 3 weekends at Bristol?
July 24th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
Chrissy, I forgot to mention how much I enjoyed your last show at Bristol. The crowd was laughing hysterically, and in your arrogance you thought it was because of your talent. You thought wrong. Close your zipper next time you twit. The only thing amusing about your show was Mr. Snuffleuppagus.
July 27th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
Christopher,
Although I have yet to see you perform as Chris the Insultor I have seen other skits you have performed in at the Sterling Festival where I fell in love with you four years ago with your opening lines in a play. “…If I can’t kick it or punch it…I’ll piss on it!” You’re the BEST!
July 30th, 2008 at 8:11 am
Christophe;
I stumbled upon your web site while stuck in wisconsin for work.
I have been searching out your nc-17 shows at the Bristol faire since i was ol enough to blend in (though before i would stand just out side the pig a whistle hoping to catch an insult or two carry over the crowd.
Every year since i;ve paid you to insult a member of my family and this year i want to bow down and show you a good time the likes you haven’t seen since your days as an alter boy for the humiliation you reaped upon my new but much despised sister in law!
again thank you!
August 8th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Just checking to see if you are planning on coming to michigan again this year?
Thanks
Rob and Heather
August 21st, 2008 at 9:41 am
Sorry for the long hiatus.
I’ll deal with comments in reverse order.
Heather and Rob; I have four weekends at Michigan…and you’re the swingers, aren’t you?
Melissa; in-laws are my business, and business is good.
Hillary; Ah, Sterling. Huge fun. Good times. Nice to do something besides insulting.
Joe; I think the crowd was laughing less at my open fly than at your crazed attempts to reach therein.
Tanta; the show is entirely improvised. And Oswald shot Kennedy.
August 23rd, 2008 at 8:00 am
*curtsying before his greatness*
A poem for your pleasure My Lord…
Christophe The Insulter
Is there someone
You would like to see
Taken down a peg
or three?
There is a man
down the lane
who can help you
with the royal pain
For a bit of gold
and a plea of help
Christophe the Insulter
will take care of the whelp
His sense of style
His mind full of wit
His true gift in life?
Insulting the twits
The man is so good
at putting us down
We don’t even mind
being his clown
Thank You dear Christophe
for your wit and your charm
May all your days be merry
and safe from harm.
Lady Cathryn Darkwind
August 31st, 2008 at 10:46 am
Hail, Christophe!
Thanks for “I Gave Your Mom a Biscuit” yesterday!!! If laughter is good for the soul, your show is the best thing that has happened to my soul in years…and it needs all the help it can get. I told Marina that you definitely have a biscuit with her name on it. My sister also loved the show…although we learned that seats behind you aren’t the greatest in terms of hearing you (although the view wasn’t bad!). You rock, and I shall see you tomorrow! Take care!
September 2nd, 2008 at 5:42 pm
I saw your show on Saturday and I thank you for your comments at the Cubs fanatic for the afternoon grand finale. What was all in good fun quickly transformed into a public service that my fiance and I are laughing about many days later. Thank you for the laughs and thank you for showing her a fun time………yeah, I’ll leave that as worded.
September 3rd, 2008 at 8:10 am
Thanks, Mike. I never really understood the team sports thing, or the batshit crazy fans it spawns. So what if the gum-chewing steroidal millionaires near your trailer park whack, punt or fall down on a ball better than those across the river? Sounds like good old-fashioned bread and circuses to me; get people revved up about the great season the Sucktown Fuxticks are having and they overlook things like why they can’t afford to drive their car or have the lump in their ass looked at.
September 4th, 2008 at 5:59 am
Hey there darling! Just stopping by to say I missed you this year by picking the wrong weekend to head up to Bristol! So now I have to wait another year to swim and swoon in your raunchiness yet somewhat intellectual stimulation. :)
Cya in 2009!
September 16th, 2008 at 3:54 am
Good day, Mi’ Lord!
Christophe, you sure are missed at the Ohio Renaissance Festival! You, My Dear, was whom I looked forward to seeing the most.
However, I see you perform at the Michigan venue and it just so happens, my online Lover resides there so perhaps, I can “use” you as an excuse to wander up that way to, at long last, meet him in person! Heeheehee… We wenches always have a hidden agenda…
Okay, I am teasing (and we all know how much you so Love that!) but you are missed, and that’s NO COCK (just wanted to say that word, mmmmm…) and bull!
Warmest Regards,
Wench Rose
September 16th, 2008 at 7:00 am
Heya, this is that weird poofy-headed kid you called up to be one of three for the finale on… Er… I think it was the 31st. The insult you gave to yourself that I singlehandedly paid for was more than worth the 40 bucks I shelled out to hear it, and I thank you for the time, and for taking my filthy stinking lucre from the pocket whence it lay.
There are probably so many errors with the above statement that I won’t even bother commenting on how many errors they are for the sake of time and shortness.
September 20th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
hey thanks for taking care of my buddy matt you know the fetus punter at the michigan ren fest aka the douchebag who tried to nominate my pregnant wife and got a $312.00 insult thanks cant wait to see you next year
September 21st, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Just saw you at the Michigan Ren. Fest. I managed to catch all three shows, and was the guy who donated the final $50 in the first performance for the CD’s. (Which are fucking hilarious, by the way). I’ve only seen you at the MI Ren. Fest on two occasions, when are you usually there? Can’t wait to see you again, you’re truly the funniest bastard I’ve ever seen.
-Joe
September 28th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
Hi Christophe, I just whished to tell you that attending your show, twice, made my day. You were truly marvelous, a god amongst insultors. One can only fathom where you come up with your material. Hopefuly it is a well which will never run dry. Also your amazing dismemberment of Gus, after he called the lovely Jezebel a wench, was the most amazing collection of vile “your momma” jokes I have ever heard. Thanks a million.
October 17th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
And so it is here that I will thank you for introducing two new phrases into my lexicon: fuck-knuckles and ass donut. Good times.
You rock my face off, and I look forward to seeing more of you at TRF as well as at my “home faire,” Scarborough.
Cheers!
October 19th, 2008 at 10:33 am
sooo umm i have never seen you in act before but i just sat here and read some of your page and the things that you say back to these people!!! OMG!!! you are super funny…and i think that you and tucker max should meet and become BFFs!!!!
October 22nd, 2008 at 10:30 pm
Ok, so I just wanted to say that you are freakin awesome!!! I saw you last year at the TRF and you insulted one of my friends and now we are hooked on your show!! This weekend we are going and this time by boyfriend gets to be the A-Hole as a birthday gift lol!! So I want to thank you for you aweful, tastless words that are just so freakin funny!! :)
October 27th, 2008 at 10:15 am
I’ve got *nothing* but love for you, and I’m confident you know that…but who did you piss off to get booted from the Sea Devil? *pouts* Miss you oodles.
November 17th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
WOW–the funniest shit ever, my friend…I have never laughed so hard at having myself insulted-especially when it’s being done by a seasoned pro, and when I ALSO put $20 of my own into having you roast my Vader-costumed ass like a black-leather-wrapped pig on a spit over an open fire. If only my wife had witnessed it!!
Your wit amazes me, and I hope next year you verbally rape my self-image twice as intensely as this year’s–HUZZAH, CHRISTOPHE!!!
November 17th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
Some how I stumbled upon your page while listening/looking at music videos on youtube, if you were inside my mind you’d see the connection.
Happy Trails
Renee (from generica)the queen of the run on sentence
p.s.You have to angrify my blood for an insult.
November 18th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
You have to be one of the funnest basturds i have ever seen and to have my friends pay for you to insult me was the hilight of my day Thanks and i really like the cd
December 9th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Looking forward to seeing you at BARF this year. Though it’s not TRF, Bristol, or any of the “good” shows, it will have to do for me. Hope you’ll be there. If only on select weekends, please be sure to post on your website so I can plan on being there for one (or more) of those weekends! Always entertaining….
~*Candis*~
December 29th, 2008 at 12:15 am
hey.. This August will you be at the BRF in Wisconsin? I look Forward to your show every year but you were not there when I was last year and truly missed it.
December 29th, 2008 at 12:41 am
We missed you at the Michigan Renaissance Festival! The Smoker just wasn’t the same without being able to pay for my friend’s embarrassment.
Will you be back next year?
February 2nd, 2009 at 3:37 pm
4 more days until the insulting begins in South Florida!!! If I have to wait any longer I might have to punch a baby. In any case I hope to see all you shriveled goat scrotum’s there!
February 24th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
Christophe:
You stupid, short, fat, putrid, ugly, piss drinking, cock sucking, bastard.
You are such a moronic twit, a brainless wonder, a mental midget, an ignorANUS (dumb ass hole), the supreme idiot, that you surpassed Ex-President Bush to become King of the morons. You’re so stupid that you don’t know to flush a toilet instead of eating it’s contents. Your behemoth heaving man breasts scare the tourists and scar the children that catch a glimpse. You’re so fat that when your mother gave birth, you exploded out of her propelling her bed back with such force that her bed crashed through the wall into the next room. The little copper wire in a cable for TV is more of a man than you will ever be. You are so ugly that when you recently visited the Florida keys, you turned half the population straight and the other half were admitted to the psycho ward for post traumatic stress syndrome. Your hygiene is so bad that your breath peels the paint on houses three doors down. When you raise your arm birds drop dead from the sky. Your farts provide enough gas to eliminate the need for fossil fuels right now. The EPA has designated you as a bio-hazard. They are not yet sure how to seal off the area. Even if they could, there is no known cleanser to render you simply noxious. The military is trying to figure out a way to use you as a weapon in the Middle East without killing our own troops in the process.
I finally got to go to the FLARF without the kids and see your act. I haven’t laughed so hard in years. Your show alone is worth the price of admission. You’re the best. Thanks.
Just out of curiosity, have you ever had an insult duel on stage? Someone of equal twit, err wit? I’m not in that category, but it would be fun to watch two professionals insult the crap out of each other.
On your spare time you should offer phone insults. Someone gives you a number of who they want to get even with. Set up a conference call with the buyer on mute and thrash the hell out of the boss or poor soul on the other end. Payment via PayPal. Lol.
March 7th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
I first saw you almost three years ago at the Ft. Lauderdale Renaissance fair, and I just saw you again on March 1st of this year. You are without a doubt one of the mos brutal, vulgar, cruel, funniest and most original comedians I’ve seen in a long time. Keep it up and I can’t wait to see you again.
P.S. How about that guy who tied his shirt in that gay knot huh?
March 8th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
I went to nearly all of your shows at FLaRF (at least on sat. at 4:30) and i have never laughed harder in my life. well, maybe a little harder when after the last show i saw, i realized there was a mom in the front row.with her daughter. her very,VERY young daughter. in your rudest,crudest show. wrong funny, but funny none the less. also, i believe you should make a CD with the “I gave your mom a biscuit” poem, sheer brilliance. (or out of the kindness of your heart, e-mail it to me.)
March 9th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
hey cristoph PBS called my cell after flarf and they where looking for you some thing about a documentry on your hair line apearntly its migrated south!!!
March 9th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
Hey Christophe, Blue Yip yip here, “Greetings….yip yip yip yip” lol Awesome Show, keep it up!!
March 16th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
I’ll let you sign my tits but first you have to ask your mother to take them out of her mouth.
April 6th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
I LOVE your stuff! I went to the Ren Fest in Tampa. You insulted my friends boyfriend, and I have never laughed so hard in my life. Everything you said about him was spot-on. We need more people like you in this world :)
April 12th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
i saw one of your shows this afternoon at scarborough. i’ve actually seen you a few times before, and i’ve been waiting anxiously waiting to see one of your shows set in this century. please hurry up and schedule a gig in the dallas fort worth area. thank you for all of the laughs!
April 20th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
What could I possibly say that has not been said over and over? I admire a man with such wit. Of everything and everyone I saw at TRF a few years ago you made the biggest impression on me.
I considered paying you to insult that Barbarian that walks around, just wondering how that would go over. I would hope you were friends or it could be a gruesome thing to watch. Just the difference in size is funny not to mention the fact that he never speaks a word and you would be letting him have it, the thought just tickles me.
I must agree that the fbomb used sparingly has a warming effect and the correct use of it shows not only restraint, but wisdom. I enjoy the pure brilliance of your words rather than the continual outpouring of profanity. I look forward to the next time I can witness your genius!
I’ll be looking you up on myspace!
Sincerely, Gypsy Kat
May 13th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
I have been a rennfest goer for many years both in Maryland and Louisiana. Any chance you’ll be hopping back over to Hammond anytime soon? It has been too long since I’ve been insulted by someone who knows how.
May 17th, 2009 at 7:42 am
My husband and I took his son and two nephews, all teens, to your show at Scarbie a month ago. One of the nephews is currently attending the Honor Academy in Tyler, Texas. It is a truly frightening religious ‘college’ for people who despise popular culture (or any culture for that matter). It is basically a training ground for conservative youths so they can take over this country and send it on its way to Armageddon. Students are put into a boot-camp, apparently designed by Navy Seals, forced to work to pay their tuition, and given no choice but to buy the sanctioned merchandise that the organization sells. If you are interested in looking into this phenomenon, the organization is called Teen Mania.
Needless to say, your show was just the sort of entertainment our nephew needed to experience to remind him that an insult well-turned is the nourishing manure that will grow an army to defeat their ridiculous plan. Keep up the fight.
May 17th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
Come to the Georgia Ren Faire!
May 20th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
I am listening to your cd at work right now and i love it. i also would like to say that your insulting of my green scaly velvet wearing hide at this years ren fest in tampa was AWESOME. keep it up Oh Lord ArchBastard Sir.
May 29th, 2009 at 1:40 am
Are you planning another production run of Cock Block or are those of us who didn’t get a copy yet SOL?
June 13th, 2009 at 11:32 am
Your dumb ass is funny
June 16th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
I love going to your shows at Bristol. Pig ‘n Whistle Tavern!!!
Is it true you are going to be there for 1 weekend this year. It shows that you will be “Closing Weekend only”
Also they have you down at “the Insulter” not “the Insultor” Damn people’s spelling
June 20th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
Greetings from Ecuador and the very deep South. Have seen your show many, many times when I am in the States (Dallas and Tampa) and look forward to seeing you in Guayaquil one year… Look out for the pirates, they’re everywhere down here (wink)!
June 26th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Christophe! Say it isn’t so! You will only be at Bristol for one weekend? My heart is broken! I will be sullen and inconsolable for the entire season. I will miss the laughs. Fare thee well until then, dearest bad boy.
July 21st, 2009 at 7:03 am
Sorry to say it Tammie. I was at Bristol this last weekend and show list only had Christophe for the last weekend.
August 24th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Hey Chris,
Great set of shows on 8/22/09 at the Michigan Renaissance Festival! I’m truly sorry we couldn’t get the second knuckle as I know the shows have been lean on hitting the triple-digit mark ($100+)…but dear sir, you deliver on what you promise - and folks - give to the Insult Fund - because the lack of insulting - is a terrible thing to waste!
August 29th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
Your show on 8/29/09 at the Michigan Renaissance Festival was highly entertaining. I look forward to seeing your act again. Good luck with all future projects.
September 2nd, 2009 at 6:40 pm
I did not see you on the list for the Texas Ren Far, I hope you are going 2 be there. I was not able to see you last year because I had a baby with my now Hubbie that you gave the toung lashing of a beat down to the year before,and I so want to see it happen again. No one can dish it out like you do with such a natural style.
September 8th, 2009 at 11:16 am
Christophe!!
You were AWOL at the MichRen 9/5/20009!!
I hope you did not miss all three days PACKED with thousands of potential ‘insultees’. I figure you could have nailed a $1000 per day for three days. Anyway great act, hope to see you again and would you agree with me that Francis Bacon penned all dat Shakespeare! I would like to see your take on Marlowe, a fascinating character who died too young(drunken brawl?) and I gotta believe Marlowe met Shakespeare-(Great idea for a short story!)-take care-
October 19th, 2009 at 9:04 am
Hey Cristophe,
This is Earl Lothar Loc’Nar My wife said she found your site and so I had to follow her to it. The best times at the OH ren fair was when you were there. I obtained many many folks for you to insult and led them to their comic demise. I/we will try and come see you at the Michigan fair but the money is not coming in faster than going out and thus we are on hard times. Please create a facebook page or Myspace page so we can keep in touch.
Thanks for the great memories and hope all is well.
October 29th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Glad to see the website up. I lost my copy of Smart People, Help the Dumb People in my divorce.
November 10th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Clearly he stopped reading these. His last response was more than a year ago.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:26 am
Not true!
But lately all the action has been on my Facebook fan page; it’s much, much easier and more fun to interact with.
I invite you to sign on there.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:27 am
PS: this site should be revamped within the year.
November 24th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
My friends and I loved your show at the Texas Renaissance Festival this year, it was the first time any of us had seen you, and you were nothing short of amazing. Once you finished insulting the last guy for ten or fifteen minutes straight with the most brutal ‘your mother’ jokes I’ve ever heard…you became my hero. Getting paid to insult drunks and innocent bystanders sounds like the sweet life. I’ll toast to your health and insult-prowess next time I get my hands on some jager…if you can give me a great Insultor-style toast to use with my friends.
December 9th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
Hey, just one of those people who tagged along with the “elaborae and mind-blowing court costumes” over at BRF. Glad to see you’re doing so well, hope to see you at Scarborough (our new home faire). Keep it up!
December 9th, 2009 at 8:23 pm
I saw you first as a Faire virgin, and you, along with the rest of Bristol, stole my innocence forever. My friend who took me to see you laughed at my horror struck face as we listened to one of your tamer shows.
This past year, she got me to go to one of you closing shows. My eyes blinked even more and my brain was even more deflowered. I did laugh though!
Next year, this friend has told me that for my birthday, she will be paying you to insult me. I am a tad scared.
See you in the summer!
December 11th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
Dear Christophe,
I love you. Just not as often as you’d like me to.
Liz Barnett
PS Bring your ass to Atlanta Ren Faire next year. Or I shall be reduced to shoving my foot INTO your asshole. Twice.
December 14th, 2009 at 7:26 am
Alas, Liz, the Atlanta Ren Faire approached me a couple of years ago and said “We heard about you and agree that you’re hilarious. But we do have a more family-friendly show. If you just clean the material up a little, we’d love to work with you.” HAhahahhahah!!!! Thanks, but no. I’ll stay at Scarborough where Texans appreciate my squalor.
PS The foot thing frightens me a little, but I’m not saying no. I’ll just have to work up to your large feet with a Chinese princess, or a midget.
December 30th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Hey!!! Cristophe! I love your work! I’ve caught you more than a couple of times at the Tampa Ren Fair , drank my arse off! While listening to you insulting others! What a great time!! Looking foward to doing it again in 2010 if you’ll be there! Love ya, forever and a day!
January 28th, 2010 at 8:55 pm
Christophe,
I couldn’t help but notice that your site has not been updated in quite sometime. Perhaps you are too busy sleeping off the late nights following your roll in the sheets with drunken midget man-whores and coked out goats?
February 12th, 2010 at 8:42 am
Christophe,
I’ve been attending the Florida Renaissance Fair for years now and have never missed your show (my friends and I stay all day so we can go to all of them) You’re the reason we still go. I see this year you’re not on the entertainment schedule. What happened? Is Bobby Rodriguez afraid your going to punish him with a donkey dick for being such a capitalist whore? When are you going to be back in Florida? I’d hate to go a whole year (or *gasp* longer) without your personal brand of discomfort and hilarity.
February 18th, 2010 at 4:00 pm
Christophe was indeed at the FRF the very weekend of sara’s post with a halrious show
February 26th, 2010 at 11:26 pm
Holy fuck, my husband and I had a fantastic time at your show. He was a little pissed though when I damn near recited the last insult; I don’t remember what you called it, but you claim it to be the damn near worst thing you ever wrote. It’s got a very Carlin-esq type flow “The type of fart that will eat the stitching out of Levis jeans”
“The type of vagina that…”
I’ve been going to the FlaRF for 6 years now and I’ve heard it at least 3 or 4 times. Makes me giggle each and every time.
Love you much
PS
Its 1:22am, I’m at work, and we are getting back to back calls.
“My cable isn’t working”
“My remote doesn’t have batteries”
“I can’t order porn!!”
Lol Oie!
March 6th, 2010 at 8:32 am
The 4oclock aka you are drunk as a fucking skunk show is so fucking worth it. Im usually drunk too. WOrks out for both parties. Cant wait to fill your pockets to insult my loved ones.
April 27th, 2010 at 11:58 am
Woot! Thanks to the gayness of Facebook I have found this site:). My husband and I still come to Ren Faire in Waxahatchie every year just to see you. I believe back in ‘06 we even set a record for you lol. We were the couple who had come to Ren Faire the day after our wedding and my husband paid to insult me. I still can’t believe how pissed the audience was at him lol. We very much enjoy our Christoph fixes :) Keep up the great work and see you next year!
-Krystal
April 29th, 2010 at 3:30 pm
You should put a link to your Facebook page here. I still can’t find it and I’m normally one of the computer savvy, Facebook Addict “smart ones”.
May 3rd, 2010 at 7:44 am
Greetings,
In the spirit of pre-meditated crimes against courtesy and polite discourse I am inspired to wonder just one thing; how much commission or bribery would be required to employ your eloquence to honor my ex-girlfriend at her birthday party this year?
May 16th, 2010 at 12:08 pm
Dear Chistophe,
I wanted to write to you, as I had seen you show for the first time yesterday, at the Scarborough Ren Fair.
I have to say, that it was a great time. The insults forth poured out of your smug, but educated, Bastard Piper, It was amazing. The smell of Ale, the Ladies of Grand, and the weather so great to give you a grand stage to intertwine the fabrics of Crap on those poor souls.. Oh yes, and the poor gutless, pathetic, docile, losers that you so skillfully attacked with abandonment. Such a vision of a great battle, victoriously fought, as you so skillfully laid the smack down of predominant filth doom upon their brows and ears! What a delight to hear and see.
I laughed so hard I almost shitted myself twice, lunched snot balls of my air cannons, and laid a loaf of long wonderment on the bench as we were graced to hear the Lord and Savior of Basterdisms fight on with such grace, style,and Crap. You Sir, are the true work of the insulter. A bedevilment of mastery you portray with your arsenal of insults that can only be fathomed by those have the up-most education in crap talking. Hell, you made me laugh so hard, I would let you have your way with my sheep at any time and let you get your fill of the baaaaa’s as she lay there in a pile of lumped slum, while you fondle the long hair of her coat. Well done Sir.
Your friend,
The Rogue.
May 17th, 2010 at 12:34 pm
dear christophe,
you are a nice man.
xo
squeak
(btw, where the fuck is the link to make with the $$ for the thing? i came here to find the that and i don’t see it. also, this site is old. you promised a revamp. jerk.
xo
squeak)
er.. ;)
June 3rd, 2010 at 10:47 am
It was a life changing day for me in when I first heard you tell one T. Stacey Hicks that given his proclivities, he should wear a hat with handles.
June 26th, 2010 at 7:24 pm
Long ago I decided my main life goal was to be important enough to have a page about me on Wikipedia. I realize now that my own godfatherrr beat me to my very own goal and I have underestimated exactly how popular and notorious he really is. Kudos, godfatherrrr.